Morning Coffee with the Internet

My husband and I get up early.

Really early.

We spend our mornings drinking coffee, reading headlines on our respective glowing devices, and discussing whatever bizarre thing the Internet has coughed up overnight.

The conversations are not always what you would call... normal.

My husband looked up from his phone.

"Here's a headline," he said. "'Man cuts off penis, uses it to start arson fire.'"

"I don't see how that would be good fire-starting material," I replied.

"Especially his own penis," my husband said.

"Anyone's penis," I corrected. "A freshly severed penis would be far too moist to start a decent fire. It would have to dry out first."

I thought about it for another moment.

"I think this man had mental issues."

This is an actual conversation that took place in our kitchen before sunrise.

Another headline appeared.

"'Police warn: Don't take injured badger home.'"

"I think that's good advice," I said.

Then my husband found another story.

"A munitions factory hasn't produced any usable munitions in two years."

I looked up.

"A munitions factory?"

"That's what it says."

"Don't they have a Quality Control Officer?"

"I'm sure they do," my husband said. "He's probably overloaded with work."

"Who's paying for this? The government?"

"Of course," he said. "Who else?"

A little later, another headline.

"Scientists have found a toad that hasn't been seen in over fifty years."

He showed me the picture.

"It's an ugly toad."

"It's attractive... for a toad," I said. "I'm sure the other toads find it appealing."

He kept reading.

"They're releasing six million eggs to help restore the population."

I frowned.

"If nobody has seen one in fifty years, where did they get six million eggs?"

"Conservation efforts," he replied.

That didn't actually answer my question, but apparently everyone else was satisfied with it.

These are the conversations that start our mornings. Little discussions about odd headlines, scientific discoveries, and whatever absurd thing happened somewhere in the world while we were asleep.

They're not important conversations. They don't solve anything. But they're one of the little things that make life fun.