World Cup Visitors Discover America

Lately, YouTube has become convinced that I want to watch Europeans react to America. I've probably watched twenty or thirty of these videos by now. Maybe more. YouTube noticed my interest somewhere around video number three and has become convinced that all I want from life is to watch confused tourists discover Buc-ee's.

Many videos have titles such as:

"They Lied to Us About America!"

Or:

"Everything We Were Told Was Wrong!"

What fascinates me is that these visitors arrive expecting one thing and discover something entirely different.

I don't think anyone is deliberately misleading them. The problem is that the United States is nearly impossible to explain. Imagine trying to describe America to someone who has never been here. Where would you even begin?

"Well, we're friendly."

That sounds reasonable.

"We also have restaurants with menus that require their own table."

Less reasonable.

"And there is a gas station in Texas that can be seen from space."

Now you've lost them.

The food appears to be the first shock. Visitors arrive expecting hamburgers. This is understandable. Our reputation abroad appears to consist largely of hamburgers, cowboys, and action movies.

Instead, they encounter Texas barbecue.

Suddenly they are staring reverently at brisket as though they have discovered a new religion. Some emerge from barbecue restaurants looking emotionally altered. Others are reduced to silence. A few seem prepared to abandon their return flights altogether.

Then comes the Cheesecake Factory.

The first time I saw someone describe the Cheesecake Factory menu as larger than the Bible, I laughed. Then I thought about it. The man may have a point. The menu arrives with the weight and authority of a legal document. By the time you've reached page six, you've forgotten your own name.

What confuses visitors is that the food is actually good. Logic suggests that any restaurant attempting to serve that many different dishes should be producing at least a few disasters. Yet there they sit, happily eating their enormous meals while planning which cheesecake flavor they're going to try next.

The second great surprise is shopping.

Foreign visitors are accustomed to stores. What they are not accustomed to are American stores. Particularly stores in Texas. A visitor enters Walmart expecting a supermarket. Several hours later, they emerge blinking into daylight, carrying groceries, a lawn chair, a kayak, prescription medication, socks, a birthday cake, and three items they still cannot identify.

Then there is H-E-B.

Texans speak of H-E-B in much the same tone medieval people reserved for cathedrals.

Visitors enter expecting food. Instead they discover entire civilizations organized around salsa.

And finally, there is Buc-ee's.

I honestly believe nobody should be told about Buc-ee's beforehand. No description adequately prepares a person.

"Imagine a gas station."

Reasonable.

"Now imagine it contains enough snacks to sustain a medium-sized kingdom."

Confusing.

"Also there are sixty gas pumps."

Concerning.

"Also there is a giant beaver."

At this point most foreigners assume we are making things up. Then they arrive and discover that, if anything, we understated the situation. Many visitors can be observed wandering around Buc-ee's with the stunned expression of Victorian explorers who accidentally discovered Atlantis. The beef jerky section alone has broken stronger people than me.

Then there are the Americans themselves.

Foreign visitors are often warned that Americans are loud.

This is true.

We are.

Sometimes from quite impressive distances.

What seems to surprise visitors is that Americans are also friendly. Complete strangers routinely begin conversations for no apparent reason. A person can simply stand in line for coffee and suddenly find themselves discussing local restaurants, weather patterns, childhood memories, regional barbecue styles, and somebody's dog.

Particularly somebody's dog.

Americans can work a dog into any conversation.

Some visitors appear deeply suspicious of this behavior. Which is understandable. If a stranger approached me in another country and immediately began recommending pie, I might have questions too.

Finally, we arrive at the weather.

This is where all preparation fails.

Every single time.

Visitors read forecasts. They check temperatures. They do research. Unfortunately, humidity cannot be understood academically. Humidity must be experienced.

The weather report might say 90 degrees.

Visitors think, "I understand 90 degrees."

No.

They do not.

What awaits them is not weather. It is an atmospheric event. They step outside and immediately discover that the air has become a beverage. The atmosphere is no longer surrounding them. It is actively participating. Within minutes they are questioning whether humans were ever intended to live here.

Texans, meanwhile, glance up from their errands and say things like, "At least it's not August."

Perhaps that's why I enjoy these videos so much.

Not because people are discovering America. But because they are discovering that real places are always stranger than the stories we tell about them.

America turns out to be friendlier, larger, louder, weirder, and considerably more humid than expected.

And somewhere right now, a confused tourist is standing in Buc-ee's, holding a pound of brisket, staring at a wall of jerky, wondering how a gas station became a lifestyle.