Why healthy relationships take turns

A small lesson about effort, gifts, and braiding hair.

A friend and I were talking about relationships the other day.

She has had a difficult history with men—relationships where she did most of the giving and very little of the receiving. Now she’s trying to help her young daughter avoid the same mistakes.

Her daughter recently gave a small gift to a boy she likes. My friend told her the boy should give the first gift.

I’m not sure that’s the most important lesson.

The problem in many relationships isn’t who goes first.

The problem is when one person keeps going.

Too many women fall into the habit of doing and doing and doing—making the plans, smoothing the arguments, offering the kindness, extending the understanding. After a while they’re tired. But by then they’ve invested so much effort that walking away feels like admitting all that work was wasted.

So they stay.

Not because the relationship is good, but because they’ve already given so much to it.

Healthy relationships look different.

They take turns.

One person reaches out. Then the other. One person gives a gift. The other responds. One person carries the effort for a moment, and then the other steps forward.

Back and forth.

Like braiding hair.

One strand crosses, then the next, then the next again, until something stronger appears.

If only one strand keeps moving, you don’t get a braid.

You just get a mess of loose hair.

And that’s what happens in a lot of relationships when only one person keeps doing the work.